Monthly Reflection
Reflections on “Attentive Listening.”
Fr. Peter Krebs, S.T.
Christ came that we may have life and have it abundantly (Jn. 10/10)
According to Jesus Himself, the primary purpose of His coming was that we might have life; an “abundant” life with a quality of being. I believe this also refers to our vowed life as Missionary Servants of the Most Holy Trinity. Jesus wishes our vowed life to be “abundant”, and His words suggest that it should go beyond being religious or righteous to include our being alive!
The question then becomes, will we realize this life, this aliveness, as we live it?
Abundant life is not self-contained nor pre-fabricated, but rather made up of many components, each of which adds another dimension to round us out as human beings.
This month I’d like to reflect on listening to, and hearing, each other as one of the components of the abundant life we can experience as vowed Missionary Servants. How does deeper, more sensitive listening lead us to an abundant life? With word and deed, Jesus often unhinged conventual perceptions and invited His followers to look and listen in new ways for signs of God’s presence in their midst. Permit me to offer insights into attentive listening as a way to achieve an abundant life.
On a personal level and through my experience with others, I have come to recognize that one of the leading causes of low self-esteem is when people feel they are not being listened to. Ultimately, they can internalize this reaction into a feeling that their opinions, and thus, they themselves, have nothing worthwhile to contribute to community life. They are on the road to developing a low self-esteem.
Today’s cultural philosophy holds both self-sufficiency and success in high esteem, sparing few ruthless words for those trapped in failure. I am sure there are many people who could have escaped failure had they been listened to. As counselors we do not perform magic and make things right for those who come to us; mostly, we listen and respect their words. Perhaps we should listen to each one of our brothers keeping in mind that we have a stake in our brother’s general sense of personal worth.
It is attentive listening that should be at the center of our relationships with one another: listening not only to a brother’s words, but also with enough interest to grasp the entire message he is conveying. For this, we should value a confrere so he knows we are sincerely interested in him and his well-being.
Thus, listening to one another becomes genuine spirituality. To take Jesus’ simple but powerful counsel “to love one another,” this deeper listening includes serving one another, admonishing when necessary, accepting each other, bearing one another’s burdens, and regarding each other as valuable as one’s self. If we consider this type of listening as the gateway to a deeper spiritual life, I believe we can move forward as if we were listening to one another for the first time.
Attentive listening requires patience and nurturing of the person with whom we are engaged. Internally, to listen spiritually we must decelerate our minds and allow divine inquisitiveness to permeate within our love for one another.
In the third act of Thornton Wilder’s play ‘Our Town’, Emily dies in childbirth, but is permitted to return to life and relive her twelfth birthday. From her grave in the town cemetery, she talks to her mother: “Oh, Mama, just look at me one minute as though you really see me. Fourteen years have gone by. I’m dead…but just for a moment now we’re all together, we’re all happy. Let’s all look at one another.”
Do we Missionary Servants look at, see, and hear one another?
Attentive listeners believe it is worth their time to listen to others. They are to be trusted and welcome openness from others. When we take the time to listen to one another we are valuable brothers.
Attentive listeners believe everyone has something valuable to say.
Attentive listeners believe that feelings are as important as facts. They pay attention not only to what is being said, but what is not being said. This listener pays attention to body language, tone of voice, the choice of words, etc. He almost always asks questions to reinforce what the confrere is saying.
Attentive listeners let the speaker control the conversation. He does not interrupt, nor change the subject!
Attentive listening is a skill, an art of patience and caring. It requires us to think about someone other than ourselves, even if it’s just for a short time.
Attentive listening within a religious family is extremely important because it enables members to express their needs, wants and concerns to each other. Open and honest communication creates an atmosphere that allows confreres to express their differences, as well as their love and admiration for one another.
To be sensitive to others and welcome a full expression of their uniqueness, we need to provide silent spaces for one another when we are together. These are periods of relaxation, deep breathing, quiet meditation, thinking, and if possible, sharing thoughts and feelings. Silence, which often provides a context for a sensitive listening stance, is valued today because it is so rare. Irish playwright and novelist Oscar Wilde praises a friend who appreciated the power and beauty of silence. Wilde said, “He knew the precise psychological moment to say nothing.”
Reflection Questions:
Have there been instances in your life when you wanted to be listened to, but realized no one was listening?
Can you recall a time when you stopped listening to another?
Do you feel those to whom you are speaking are listening? Why or why not?
What clues do you pick up to know whether another is, or is not, listening to you?