SPIRITUAL LIFE MONTHLY REFLECTIONSeptember 2006
HEALING HURTS
Rev. Bertin Glennon, S.T.
Each of us experiences emotional hurts-more than our share. Over the years we have grown up with a set of expectations about our self and others. These expectations are never experienced the way we want them to be; as a matter of fact, there are more than a few times when we find a person or situation that does not come close to meeting the expectations that we have. It is at these times that we experience emotional pain; we become hurt.
To understand emotional hurts, even those dating back many years, we might be helped if we look at physical pain. When a pain is experienced, the brain focuses on the hurt and pushes all the resources of the self on the pain. Did you ever try to not pay attention to a blister on your small toe? The brain instructs us to not use the wounded part as we had been using it. Then the brain directs us to a self- soothing process- each of us has developed our own set of self-soothing processes. The self soothing process is connected to the pain, and every time that the pain is experienced, the brain brings us back to the self soothing process. Marlatt calls this a cognitive signal. The pain signals the brain which starts a self soothing process. Marlatt also tells us that the more the pain signals the brain the more automatic the self-soothing process becomes.
If we look back at some of the painful situations of our lives, we see this self soothing process very clearly. Several writers have determined a hierarchy of responses. We will only look at several of the top five. One self soothing process is distance; one is dependence, and one is assault. To over simplify it a bit: Distance means we get away from it and try to forget it. Dependence means that we find someone who can take away the pain. Assault means that we attack, either directly, or passive aggressively the source of the pain. Before too long, we have this process automatically going. When it is automatic, the self soothing process begins be repetitive. As the self soothing process become automatic, we create a thought process to explain our behavior and, perhaps, the behavior of others. The explanation process is easiest to focus upon and the process that is most likely to make the automatic process work.
There are three steps to dealing with hurt: 1. Focus, 2. Soothe, and 3. Explain. If we are hurt, or hanging on to the hurt, this process does not work well. One of the problems is that we tend to begin at the end. We deal with the hurt by trying to re-explain the hurt so that we can keep our expectations. This presents some possibility, however, not much. To re-explain is likely to solidify the expectations and make the automatic process of focus and soothing stronger.
If that does not work, we change our focus. We attempt to get distance- forget about it. Too often our brain does not go along with that and our expectations become rock like. We may try to become dependent, finding someone, either in reality or in memory to tell us that what we expect is effective and we must hold on to it. Or we may assault, blame, hurt back, or become a bump in the road that everyone's wheel has to hit and bounce over, uncomfortably. Again, this does not work as well as we would like. Our expectations remain the same.
It is interesting that we very seldom try to change the way we soothe ourselves. We very seldom build up something that can help us to become aware of a reward that we get from being who we are thus changing our expectation. Soothing can, of course, become a problem, if we soothe in an unacceptable way. That is a risk, surely. However, perhaps the risk is worth it. We can soothe ourselves if we can search and find something that helps us to authentically become who we are without the same expectations which we thought we needed.
Some effective soothing techniques might be, to spend more time with confreres, asking them to listen to the different thoughts and feelings that we have. It may be hard-because we have never tried it before. There may be something more inside of us than we figured!
Another effective self-soothing technique might be to treat ourselves to a new set of experiences, such as learning a skill (It may not have to be a skill which makes us function better, but may be something we have been interested in. How many of us know our interests?
A third self soothing technique may be to take time to reflect on what we are hearing, not define it but perceive the possibilities of others in our lives. This could change a whole lot of expectations.
There may be more, of course. Each of us has a creative side that has been locked up by our expectations. We can give ourselves the permission to explore.
Needless to say, to show ourselves to others may make us appreciate more who we are. To attempt to learn and take part in new experiences may make us appreciate all that God has done in us. Finally, to listen to another may make us more aware of what God is saying through us.
If we have hurts that have been going on automatically for a while, perhaps we have a problem with our current expectations. We may be explaining what we feel, or the way we focus. Perhaps we have not seen the possibilities of soothing, a gift from God that we only find when we come to understand God's actions inside of us.
Reflection Questions:
1. Do we have hurts that have become automatic in us; that have been with us for a while?
2. Can we name them? Dare we?
3. Can we find a way of becoming more at home with ourselves, realizing what God has done, and how good that can feel?
4. Will we try?