MONTHLY REFLECTION June, 2006 Powerlessness In n  Dealing With the Problems of One's Family of Origin Bro. Louglan Sofield, S.T.             When Seraphim asked me to do another one of the monthly reflections, he indicated that the Committee on Religious Life/Spiritual Life had chosen to dwell on "burning issues" expressed by confreres.             I tried to find a graceful way to decline the invitation, assuring Seraphim that I would be happy to do a reflection on another topic. Seraphim can be very persuasive and so I reluctantly agreed to do a reflection paper on "Powerlessness in Dealing With the Problems of One's Family of Origin." The major reason for my reluctance is that I strongly disagree with the basic premise. When I was still doing therapy I would occasionally encounter a client who would try to convince me that s/he was the way they were because they grew up in a "dysfunctional family," a term in common usage at that time.             My response to their plea was certainly less than compassionate, "Grow up and get a life! We do not have to be a victim of our past." Most relatively healthy adults have the capacity to grow psycho-sexually. It is not always easy, but it is within the capacity of most people.             A number of years ago we conducted a workshop for priests, entitled, "The Battered Priest." We probably had the best attendance we've had for the priests in that area. I think many of the priests identified with the concept of being battered. One of the men even came in on crutches and with his arms wrapped in bandaged, his way of making light of the topic. One of the presenters was a psychologist who had been a battered wife. Her message to the priests was clear, "Most people can not be battered unless they allow it because of their passivity."             A friend of mine did her graduate work in psychology, focusing on "learned helplessness," a concept often identified with battered spouses, especially battered women. Learned helplessness is a learned way of thinking in which the individual convinces him/herself that there is nothing that can be done to change a bad situation, so that a person remains in an abusive situation.             In my work with people in ministry, laity, religious and clergy I frequently run across cases of learned helplessness. It is devastating to the person and results in depression, affecting both the person and the ministry.             The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops in a wonderful document entitled, "Called and Gifted for the Third Millenium," identifies the four calls of every Christian. One of those calls is a call to Christian maturity. Mature Christians do not embrace an attitude of learned helplessness; rather, they assume responsibility for their own lives, refusing to blame one's family of origin or culture for the problems they encounter today.             I do not wish to give the impression that one's family of origin and one's culture do not have an effect on an individual, only that the effect does not have to be permanent. We have a free will and we can make decisions that run contrary to our upbringing. To do so involves acting contrary to what has grown since childhood in our "ego ideal." The ego ideal is composed of all the "shoulds" that have been communicated in youth, during schooling and even during religious formation. Some of those ideals are not of God, yet they have a very strong control over our behavior. If one even contemplates doing something contrary to those long ingrained shoulds, anxiety will result. If one does something contrary to the ego ideal, it will produce guilt. The reason that Catholic guilt may be perceived as being so strong is because there are too many "shoulds" in the ego ideal.             Perhaps a true story will help to elucidate this concept. Jim Gill, who was my mentor, and many of you had the opportunity and privilege to meet, told a story that occurred while he was doing his medical residency. One of his brother Jesuits was being operated on. When Jim ran into the nurse in charge of the recovery room, he inquired how his confrere was doing. The nurse assured Jim that his confrere was doing fine but asked Jim if the confrere had grown up around the water. But Jim, always the inquisitive person, pressed her to find out why she had asked. She replied that when he was coming out of anesthesia, he kept yelling, "Beware the whitecaps," a term used to describe the tops of ocean waves. Jim began laughing uncontrollably. When they were in the seminary, one of the professors had cautioned them that, "After you are ordained, all the women are going to be after you, especially the white caps!" The professor was referring to a term often used to describe nurses.             As our congregation continues to become more multi-cultural we have to become even more sensitized to the influence that culture has on individuals. It has been my experience that most cultures appear to have trouble dealing with emotions, especially anger, sexuality, and the myriad of emotions connected with conflict. Each culture brings their cultural mores into the community. Because of the cultural taboos, these emotions are strongly ingrained in their ego ideal and may cause conflicts between cultures.             Undoubtedly, our families and cultures have had very strong influences on our spiritual and emotional development. That influence was extremely strong when we were children. As adults, with God's gift of free will, we do not have to continue to hold those ideals if they are not in our best interest in growing to be mature Christian that God wills us to be. Reflection Questions: 1.         How has my family/culture influenced me en positive and negative ways? 2.         Are there areas in my life where I have assumed a passive role because of my upbringing? 3.         If so, where will I get help to continue my psycho-sexual growth?